How Parents can help reduce shame around sex
As a confidence mentor, sex is something I deal with, with almost all of my adult clients. Who doesn’t want to feel confident and have good sex!? What I found interesting, was often, feeling unconfident in the bedroom isn’t about what our bodies look like but rather the conditioning that has convinced us why we “shouldn’t” feel confident in the bedroom. These conditionings lead to shame which might look like: “I don’t have a high sex drive, something must be wrong with me” or “I do have a high sex drive, something must be wrong with me. In order to feel confident in the bedroom we need to dismantle this conditioning.
This conditioning starts from a young age, maybe it started for you when an adult shamed you for asking about your privates, maybe it started when many of the girls in the media were only liked for their body, maybe it started with feeling like you will get in trouble with saying the words penis and vagina. We all know this shame around sex, and as adults many of us are still dismantling this conditioning. Now, what would it look like if we were able to reduce that shame for our children? What if the next generation learned how to set boundaries, love their bodies and felt confident in knowing how their body works? Many parents ask me this question. “How can I reduce shame for my kids around sex?”
Here are just some options you can explore that will help reduce shame around sex. Every family is different so take what you like and leave what you don’t!
Use anatomically correct terminology for genitals. This might be really hard to do in the beginning (the shame wizard is showing up) but using the correct terminology shows your child there is nothing dirty or shameful about their bodies. (This is also proven to reduce the risk of abuse)
If your child is curious about sex, or their bodies and are asking you questions tell them the truth! You don’t have to get into the details but help them understand where babies really do come from! If this feels challenging, remember, if you don’t tell them, they will get their information elsewhere (most likely their friends older sibling or a porn website) it may be uncomfortable, but knowledge is power and realistic, consent focused education around sex will help your child with their sexual boundaries and reduce the shame around sex.
Start having conversations early and often. These sex conversations don’t have to be heavy or the full “birds and the bees” conversation but regularly showcasing that talking about your body is ok, can reduce the risk of shame significantly. Here are some topics to get you started:
Body parts - Name different body parts anatomically correct
Consent - the tea analogy is a great option, check out this analogy here!
Sexuality in the media - realistic vrs unrealistic standards and a discussion about porn
Body Image - How we can learn to love our body
Intercourse - how babies are made!
Masturbation and touch - discuss where the proper times and places are
Anatomy - How our bodies actually work!
Safe-sex - STD’s and conterseptive options
Why sex is great! They are probably wondering what all the fus is about, normalize this!
4. The concept of virginity is shameful in its nature. Try and reduce the outdated concept and terminology of virginity, Telling a girl she is a flower and has a special gift to give someone, is telling them once their “flower” is gone, they are no longer worthy of love and respect. Instead, educate your daughters on how they should expect to be treated, help them set their boundaries and the beauty that comes with sex. Remember, Consent > Abstinence
Remember, there is no such thing as being a perfect parent, only growing! Don’t put too much pressure on yourself and simply try to change your language just a little more everyday!
If you are looking for more support working through your confidence, or helping your teen work through theirs, book a 30 minute consultation!